When the Lord asked me this question, "Who do you think you should fear, men, or me?", it got my attention. Yesterday was a rocky day....no, really it was just ugly. I found a deposit of anger deep inside me that I had no idea was there, but boy when I found it, it was bad. Thankfully, the children were (reluctantly) bundled up and sent outside when the Lord and I began to work through this, but lets just say, I surprised myself with the fierceness and depth of my sin that was surfacing. It was a mess I had to work through the rest of the day, and gloriously right there in front of my kids, who sadly, got to experience much of it first hand. I just told someone recently that if nothing else in home school this year, my children are learning the importance of and how to go about apologizing. :-) I began to grapple through the layers of this yuck, my outburst and seeking the forgiveness of my kids, wisdom on how to handle better the daily frustrations that just so happened to "pushed me over the edge" this particular day, and then the most important issue, where in the world did this come from and what was I so mad about??? It had really been a decent morning...I had gotten some good things done in my mind (insert proverbial proud of my productivity pat on the back here) and enjoyed some sweet moments with my kids, but as the petty nitpicking increased, lunch passed, I began to be a little more directionless with my afternoon, it started to build. And like a volcano that I didn't even know was there, I exploded. Well, I knew there would be no moving forward, I had to get on my face and begin to ask the Lord what was going on. Okay, ask is not quite it, yell, is more like it. As I demanded answers, I wasn't surprised by His silence. I knew He would answer but not in that moment. The timer went off and the ice cubes that were once my children were rescued from outdoor playtime and as they began to warm up, He began to speak. He spoke to me through James 1, about testings and trials were there to help me grow up and mature in Christ, and where He gives wisdom on how to be in the midst of those moments, but what really got my attention was the verse where He describes the cycle of sin and tells how it gets traced back to an evil desire that is conceived ... so I began to ask what the evil desire was.
Around October, I was probed by someone I love and respect and quite honestly desire approval of, in regards to homeschool and how it was I knew I was doing a good job. Like a dagger in my soul, this comment cut to the core of my fear. I don't remember what came out of my mouth (something benign that shifted the conversation), but in my head I was angry....and saying, "I don't know! Why are you asking me this?? I am terribly afraid of this question and I really hope you can't see that right now because then you will think I am inadequate and incapable!" And just like that, for the next three months up until yesterday, I began to live under this fear. Over the course of this time, He spoke some helpful things like exposing to me that our country has made an idol of education, and much of the world, proclaiming it as the salvation for the broken, and poor, the solution to the worlds worst problems, and to some extent, I had believed this at some level, and let the fear that I wasn't going to do a good job begin to rule over my days, directing my steps. The only problem is, when an idol has been given authority in your life, it will rule with fear and it will spawn chaos and more fear. Sadly, many of my days were a mix between trying to serve this idol and trying to rest in Christ. I even got a picture of each foot on different sides of a fence trying to walk this thing out and it wasn't working. I had been battling discouragement to greater and greater measures as the days went on. Even though I was hearing bits and pieces of truth, such as being reminded of wonderful people like my grandmother whom I believed walked the road her Lord set before her and heard "Well done, my daughter" when she crossed the threshold into glory, and all with an 8th grade education. I heard and believed to some degree that it really is more important to focus on their hearts and character and that knowledge can catch up later. And I was kind of trying to be lead through my days by the Holy Spirit yet still trying to formulate some semblance of some kind of routine and learning that would affirm my abilities and impress some one, anyone, everyone, who I sensed was looking in and waiting to critique. And then there was the real fear I was truly aware of, the fear of "the school system"....their standards and marks of measuring the job I was doing constantly hovering in condemnation over me. The culmination of all of this God mercifully brought to a head and showed me through my own ugly outburst, just how damaging and debilitating trying to serve two masters is. It is impossible. Not only that but He will not bless that. He will not share the stage. I will be mastered by one thing and one thing only. I must choose. Today, I let the words of my Beloved wash over me like rain, and they poured light through my soul like I have not experienced before reading these precious red letters in Matthew 10,
Around October, I was probed by someone I love and respect and quite honestly desire approval of, in regards to homeschool and how it was I knew I was doing a good job. Like a dagger in my soul, this comment cut to the core of my fear. I don't remember what came out of my mouth (something benign that shifted the conversation), but in my head I was angry....and saying, "I don't know! Why are you asking me this?? I am terribly afraid of this question and I really hope you can't see that right now because then you will think I am inadequate and incapable!" And just like that, for the next three months up until yesterday, I began to live under this fear. Over the course of this time, He spoke some helpful things like exposing to me that our country has made an idol of education, and much of the world, proclaiming it as the salvation for the broken, and poor, the solution to the worlds worst problems, and to some extent, I had believed this at some level, and let the fear that I wasn't going to do a good job begin to rule over my days, directing my steps. The only problem is, when an idol has been given authority in your life, it will rule with fear and it will spawn chaos and more fear. Sadly, many of my days were a mix between trying to serve this idol and trying to rest in Christ. I even got a picture of each foot on different sides of a fence trying to walk this thing out and it wasn't working. I had been battling discouragement to greater and greater measures as the days went on. Even though I was hearing bits and pieces of truth, such as being reminded of wonderful people like my grandmother whom I believed walked the road her Lord set before her and heard "Well done, my daughter" when she crossed the threshold into glory, and all with an 8th grade education. I heard and believed to some degree that it really is more important to focus on their hearts and character and that knowledge can catch up later. And I was kind of trying to be lead through my days by the Holy Spirit yet still trying to formulate some semblance of some kind of routine and learning that would affirm my abilities and impress some one, anyone, everyone, who I sensed was looking in and waiting to critique. And then there was the real fear I was truly aware of, the fear of "the school system"....their standards and marks of measuring the job I was doing constantly hovering in condemnation over me. The culmination of all of this God mercifully brought to a head and showed me through my own ugly outburst, just how damaging and debilitating trying to serve two masters is. It is impossible. Not only that but He will not bless that. He will not share the stage. I will be mastered by one thing and one thing only. I must choose. Today, I let the words of my Beloved wash over me like rain, and they poured light through my soul like I have not experienced before reading these precious red letters in Matthew 10,
32 Every one therefore who shall confess me before men, him will I also confess before my Father who is in heaven.33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father who is in heaven.
34 Think not that I came to send peace on the earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I came to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law: 36 and a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.38 And he that doth not take his cross and follow after me, is not worthy of me.
The tears came ushered in by the peace from receiving the sweet admonishment from the Lord. And the answer to His question, "You, Lord. I fear you." I have to let go. Really let go. I let go of the need to look like I am doing a good job academically. I free my children from the expectation that through their "performances" they must make me look good for others. I let go of the fear and accept that given a test on where they are in their knowledge tomorrow in comparision to if they had stayed in school they would show minimal growth from last May. I am done making sacrifices to a faceless, deaf god that will not bring me hope and assurance, nor help my children truly be trained up in the way they should go. I declare the truth that Christ is ALL sufficient, and He will not fail in leading us, the parents, in all matters concerning raising up our kids to walk the glorious, kingdom advancing road that is before them, and the school system and others are not only not to be feared but grossly inadequate for what the Lord has called us to do in this season. There is no other good alternative, other than to completely abandon myself and my fears and care only of the opinion of my Maker, who happens to be the smartest Guy in the universe, not to mention the one who has the paths of each of my children laid, beginning to end before his gaze at all times.He is worth this kind of wreckless abandonment. He is worthy of my devotion, at the cost of my own embarassment. So, I am buckling my seatbelt and throwing my map out the window. I think this ride could get a little crazy....er.
34 Think not that I came to send peace on the earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I came to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law: 36 and a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.38 And he that doth not take his cross and follow after me, is not worthy of me.
The tears came ushered in by the peace from receiving the sweet admonishment from the Lord. And the answer to His question, "You, Lord. I fear you." I have to let go. Really let go. I let go of the need to look like I am doing a good job academically. I free my children from the expectation that through their "performances" they must make me look good for others. I let go of the fear and accept that given a test on where they are in their knowledge tomorrow in comparision to if they had stayed in school they would show minimal growth from last May. I am done making sacrifices to a faceless, deaf god that will not bring me hope and assurance, nor help my children truly be trained up in the way they should go. I declare the truth that Christ is ALL sufficient, and He will not fail in leading us, the parents, in all matters concerning raising up our kids to walk the glorious, kingdom advancing road that is before them, and the school system and others are not only not to be feared but grossly inadequate for what the Lord has called us to do in this season. There is no other good alternative, other than to completely abandon myself and my fears and care only of the opinion of my Maker, who happens to be the smartest Guy in the universe, not to mention the one who has the paths of each of my children laid, beginning to end before his gaze at all times.He is worth this kind of wreckless abandonment. He is worthy of my devotion, at the cost of my own embarassment. So, I am buckling my seatbelt and throwing my map out the window. I think this ride could get a little crazy....er.
Yes!!!!!!
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